depression · illness · life is a bitch sometimes · recovery · sadness · taking care of myself

The Things I’m Doing

Okay.

So it turns out that I am having a little more difficult recovery than what is normal. And given the fact that I was in pain for about 5 weeks before I went to the doctor, this extended waiting to feel better is affecting me in a bad way.

I’m starting to doubt that I’ll ever feel better again. I get glimpses here and there of feeling normal, but the next day I am back to feeling not great. I hate to say it, but I’m flirting with depression.

I don’t want to feel like this. I’m tired all of the time, I’m afraid to get up and get moving. Everything I do, I have to push myself to do. Things that used to make me happy aren’t working anymore.

This is not how I am. I mean, I’ve been down and I have felt like this before, but I have always been able to work it out.

Here’s the bonus.

I went to see my doctor last week to see what the deal is. She told me I am going to have to be a little more patient and everything will be okay soon. I felt a huge surge of relief that day.

But I came home that night and when Bill and I retired upstairs to relax for the day…I mean, I was in bed thinking “I am going to work on getting better”….our dog, Penny Lane, proceeded to have a huge seizure.

We had to get her to the vet right away. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. I had so much stress, I got sick at the vet office.

We came home hoping she wouldn’t have another seizure, like maybe it was a one time thing.

Nope. She had another huge one in the middle of the night. Scary as fuck.

The next day she started seizure medication. It has stopped the seizures, so we’re grateful for that. But she is experiencing side effects like stumbling here and there and she has gotten even more nervous than she was before. I was a nervous wreck the day after, wondering if she would have another seizure. I am scared if she has one when I am alone with her, I won’t be able to help her. Plus, let’s be real.

I am pissed she has to have this. Why my baby? And for real? This is a lifetime thing. And will it shorten her lifespan?

I could kick myself in the ass. Why I continue to get pets that I love so much that it breaks my heart when anything happens to them, which it always will eventually…

Wait…this is a dumb thing to say. I get pets because I love animals. I love my fur babies.

I am just so stressed right now. About everything.

Finally, I’ve decided I have to take a break from Facebook. Actually, all social media. It won’t be easy, you know. But I just don’t have the room in my central nervous system right now to take the extra bullshit. How do I move all of my pictures from Facebook somewhere else? This, I feel, is an old lady question. I’ll figure it out.

I’ll figure all of it out.

Right now, though, I am a mess.

To combat all of the shit in my life right now, I am trying to take extra good care of myself.

This is what I’m watching this morning:

I love this movie. I love this song. I love Guy Patterson and the Fair Faye.

This is what you call a “feel good movie”.

And I need more “feel good” in my life right now.

aging · losing loved ones · sadness · stress

stress

I’ve been so stressed since the day my brother-in-law passed away. I’ve actually been kinda sick. Like as in stomach distress you might experience before an important test or starting a new job, but like, all of the time.

Of course, my sister who lost her husband is probably feeling similar but times 800.

I find that instead of acknowledging my own stress/grief, I tend to tell myself that mine isn’t as important as the person who is most affected. But why do I do that? My feelings can coexist with other people’s feelings, you know? There’s enough room in the world for everyone’s feelings.

But I do this thing where I’m affected but I try to ignore it and then my digestive system blows up in a big upheaval causing other symptoms I can’t ignore.

Do many other people do this? Probably, huh.

What’s the answer. Am I supposed to go see a doctor and get on that whole assembly line of this and that? Is there medication that can trick my brain into relaxing and therefore give my stomach a break?

Or is there a way I can fix this by myself.

I hate going to doctor. The thought of having to go makes my stomach hurt.

Oh well.

So currently I’m stuck in a rut.

I want everyone to be at least somewhat happy. And if they aren’t happy, I want to help figure out how they can be happy again.

Including myself.

Remember when I talked about not wanting to turn 50? Not wanting to grow older?

These, right here, are a couple of the reasons why I feel that way.

I don’t want people I love to leave. And I don’t want people I love to lose the people they love.

It makes my stomach hurt.

losing loved ones · passing away · sadness

UB

My brother-in-law passed away last week.

I was having a weird morning that day–all kinds of things were going wrong, and on top of it I wasn’t feeling all that well. My daughter texted and asked if I could pop up to her job to bring her lunch and I was in my car going to do that when my sister called.

I thought we were going to have just another regular conversation, but it was anything but. I ended up calling my husband and telling him the news, putting him in charge of taking our kid lunch, and I hauled ass to my sister’s place.

My brother-in-law had a stroke 13 years ago and since then my sister has worked and he stayed home with their puppies. He was in his chair when the police broke down the door to see what was going on since he didn’t answer any of my sister’s calls that she made to him.

Anyway.

I’ve known Billy since I was 10 years old.

It wasn’t even almost long enough.