aging · losing loved ones · sadness · stress


I’ve been so stressed since the day my brother-in-law passed away. I’ve actually been kinda sick. Like as in stomach distress you might experience before an important test or starting a new job, but like, all of the time.

Of course, my sister who lost her husband is probably feeling similar but times 800.

I find that instead of acknowledging my own stress/grief, I tend to tell myself that mine isn’t as important as the person who is most affected. But why do I do that? My feelings can coexist with other people’s feelings, you know? There’s enough room in the world for everyone’s feelings.

But I do this thing where I’m affected but I try to ignore it and then my digestive system blows up in a big upheaval causing other symptoms I can’t ignore.

Do many other people do this? Probably, huh.

What’s the answer. Am I supposed to go see a doctor and get on that whole assembly line of this and that? Is there medication that can trick my brain into relaxing and therefore give my stomach a break?

Or is there a way I can fix this by myself.

I hate going to doctor. The thought of having to go makes my stomach hurt.

Oh well.

So currently I’m stuck in a rut.

I want everyone to be at least somewhat happy. And if they aren’t happy, I want to help figure out how they can be happy again.

Including myself.

Remember when I talked about not wanting to turn 50? Not wanting to grow older?

These, right here, are a couple of the reasons why I feel that way.

I don’t want people I love to leave. And I don’t want people I love to lose the people they love.

It makes my stomach hurt.

losing loved ones · passing away · sadness


My brother-in-law passed away last week.

I was having a weird morning that day–all kinds of things were going wrong, and on top of it I wasn’t feeling all that well. My daughter texted and asked if I could pop up to her job to bring her lunch and I was in my car going to do that when my sister called.

I thought we were going to have just another regular conversation, but it was anything but. I ended up calling my husband and telling him the news, putting him in charge of taking our kid lunch, and I hauled ass to my sister’s place.

My brother-in-law had a stroke 13 years ago and since then my sister has worked and he stayed home with their puppies. He was in his chair when the police broke down the door to see what was going on since he didn’t answer any of my sister’s calls that she made to him.


I’ve known Billy since I was 10 years old.

It wasn’t even almost long enough.