depression · illness · life is a bitch sometimes · recovery · sadness · taking care of myself

The Things I’m Doing


So it turns out that I am having a little more difficult recovery than what is normal. And given the fact that I was in pain for about 5 weeks before I went to the doctor, this extended waiting to feel better is affecting me in a bad way.

I’m starting to doubt that I’ll ever feel better again. I get glimpses here and there of feeling normal, but the next day I am back to feeling not great. I hate to say it, but I’m flirting with depression.

I don’t want to feel like this. I’m tired all of the time, I’m afraid to get up and get moving. Everything I do, I have to push myself to do. Things that used to make me happy aren’t working anymore.

This is not how I am. I mean, I’ve been down and I have felt like this before, but I have always been able to work it out.

Here’s the bonus.

I went to see my doctor last week to see what the deal is. She told me I am going to have to be a little more patient and everything will be okay soon. I felt a huge surge of relief that day.

But I came home that night and when Bill and I retired upstairs to relax for the day…I mean, I was in bed thinking “I am going to work on getting better”….our dog, Penny Lane, proceeded to have a huge seizure.

We had to get her to the vet right away. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. I had so much stress, I got sick at the vet office.

We came home hoping she wouldn’t have another seizure, like maybe it was a one time thing.

Nope. She had another huge one in the middle of the night. Scary as fuck.

The next day she started seizure medication. It has stopped the seizures, so we’re grateful for that. But she is experiencing side effects like stumbling here and there and she has gotten even more nervous than she was before. I was a nervous wreck the day after, wondering if she would have another seizure. I am scared if she has one when I am alone with her, I won’t be able to help her. Plus, let’s be real.

I am pissed she has to have this. Why my baby? And for real? This is a lifetime thing. And will it shorten her lifespan?

I could kick myself in the ass. Why I continue to get pets that I love so much that it breaks my heart when anything happens to them, which it always will eventually…

Wait…this is a dumb thing to say. I get pets because I love animals. I love my fur babies.

I am just so stressed right now. About everything.

Finally, I’ve decided I have to take a break from Facebook. Actually, all social media. It won’t be easy, you know. But I just don’t have the room in my central nervous system right now to take the extra bullshit. How do I move all of my pictures from Facebook somewhere else? This, I feel, is an old lady question. I’ll figure it out.

I’ll figure all of it out.

Right now, though, I am a mess.

To combat all of the shit in my life right now, I am trying to take extra good care of myself.

This is what I’m watching this morning:

I love this movie. I love this song. I love Guy Patterson and the Fair Faye.

This is what you call a “feel good movie”.

And I need more “feel good” in my life right now.

guilt · illness · life lessons · pain in the butt kitty cat

ugh. and persistent kitty cats.

I had to go to the doctor this week. I was feeling so bad that I was excited to go.

I’m going to be okay, but for the time being I am still not feeling well. A little better, I guess.

Anyway, I am really tired of this. On one hand, I am grateful I am all right. On the other hand, I just want to feel normal again.

So, you know, I’m one of those people who rarely gets sick. And even when I am sick, I do all the things I normally do because I figure checking out only makes things worse. I don’t want to lie around all day. I hate it.

Unfortunately, this time around I have to take care of myself. And I feel guilty about it. Like I should be getting shit done. I don’t like my husband working all day like he does and having to come home to do a lot of the things I normally do.

And you know what else? My pets are so fucking confused. Their mother, who typically plays with them kind of a lot, is on her ass all the time now.

As I type this, my cat is sitting next to the backdoor meowing because she wants to go outside. We are not going out right now. In fact, I think I want to take a bath.

I feel guilty.

Stupid, isn’t it. She’s a cat. We will play outside again soon. Just not right now.

I know there are lessons for me to learn from feeling this bad.

This guilt over taking care of myself might be something to think about more.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and whine a little. It makes me feel a little better.

A little better is a step in the right direction, huh.