eclipse · God · Goddess · little stories · messages

Eclipse

God sat at his desk with his “Mondays Suck” mug full of Sanka. His heart palpitations had started to freak him out lately and he decided to try to go caffeine-free for a week to see if that helped his ticker calm down. Otherwise, he knew he’d have to make an appointment with his cardiologist and he dreaded the thought. That guy was a pretentious pain in the ass, constantly bragging about his luxurious vacations and adrenaline junkie shenanigans.

As if God had never experienced any of those things since the creation went down.

God’s chest began to hurt a little from the stress of thinking about it. He rubbed a spot on his chest, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and focused.

He had a big event to pull off today. It was time to get to work.

Just then, the door to his space office opened and he turned to see his gorgeous wife the Goddess coming into the room holding a tray.

“Hi babe,” she said, sliding the tray in front of him and then slipping herself into his lap.

God looked at the big bowls of Grape Nuts and fresh fruit she brought him. Next to the food sat his Lipitor, Prilosec and a multivitamin.

He gave his girl a kiss.

“You taste like Sanka,” she said as he rolled his eyes and she stood up.

He took a really good look at her then. She had on yoga pants and a tattered Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt.

“You are the cutest thing, I swear to…me,” he said.

The Goddess laughed a little and picked up the bowl of fruit and started eating. She had heard that joke about a million times, but it was still kinda funny.

“So, are we going to screw with the humans today?” she asked looking out the giant space window at planet Earth.

“Nah,” God replied. “I don’t really like to mess with them too much anymore. They’re so goofy down there now, they don’t need any more problems. Know what I mean?”

“So you’re just going to press the solar eclipse button and leave it at that?”

God nodded taking a sip of his beverage.

The Goddess stood quietly next to him, her wheels turning.

“Hey,” she said, bending over the keyboard in front of him. Her long wavy brown hair spilled over her shoulders onto his desk. She tucked a wisp behind her ear. 

God admired her big time. He might have smelled like Sanka, but she smelled like summertime. And patchouli.

Delicious.

“Let’s stencil a big message out of the moon for the sun to spill through during the eclipse for the humans,” the Goddess suggested.

She started typing away. 

“Do you want them all to have heart attacks?” God asked, picking up his Lipitor and slugging it down with a spot of decaf.

She leaned back to show him the message she came up with.

In capital letters she typed out 

SURRENDER DONALD

God laughed out loud. 

“You are bad,” he said. “I like the little witch flying on the broom at the bottom.”

His wife smiled bigly.

“Can we do it?” she asked.

God thought about it for a second and said,

“Yeah. What the hell. Let’s have some fun. They’re going to poop their pants down there.”

“Especially Donald!”

“Right?!”

The two laughed out loud as God entered code to carve out messages through the moon.

“All right,” she said as she gave him one more kiss. “Finish up here and come down to the meditation garden. Buddha and some of the others are coming over for an eclipse meditation. I think it’ll do you some good.”

“Hey, were you able to get everyone those special glasses?”

The Goddess stood in the doorway and smiled.

“Duh,” she said. “NASA sent us a boxful last week.”

“Cool beans,” God said as she bounced away. He picked up his bowl of Grape Nuts as he hit the enter button for the special message and the moon started chipping away at itself.

God admired all the heavenly bodies quietly dangling out in outer space. A sense of calm and wonder overwhelmed him.

“It’s going to be a good day,” he thought to himself as he took a big bite of cereal. He sorta missed and a bunch of milk and Grape Nuts spilled all down his shirt.

“Yep, a good day,” he sighed, rubbing at the spill located over that certain spot on his chest.

This time, the pain was gone.

God · Goddess · sleepy time · sunny day · tiny story · writing

Flip of the Switch

The Goddess climbed the stairs and tucked her rolled-up yoga mat away in the corner of the hall next to the massive wooden door. Before she opened the portal, she took a moment to run her hand gently over the carving of the entire universe deep within the mahogany.
 
She hated to admit it, but at first she thought the design of this door sounded kinda egotistical when he suggested it. But because it turned out so beautifully, she now considered it one of her favorite things in their home.
 
That’s when she heard the big rumbling of snoring coming from inside the next room.
 
He was asleep.
 
Good. The man was a notorious workaholic. He was always in need of more rest.
 
She pushed the door open slowly and froze when it made its familiar creak. But she didn’t have to worry–the big guy kept on snoring.
 
Walking over to the enormous desk, she looked at the array of papers and puzzle books and empty mugs with tea bag tags hanging over their sides. The great monitor in front of him sparkled with all the goings-on of the blue and green planet below. Millions of blinking red buttons and a big keyboard sat at his fingertips.
 
Watching him sleep, she couldn’t help thinking how handsome he still was. When they first met back when they were young, he was so gorgeous. But then again, so was she.
 
The Goddess smiled when she caught sight of the latest Danielle Steele novel crumpled up between his weathered hands in his lap as he continued his snooze fest.
 
She decided she wouldn’t bother him and just let him be.
 
Turning her attention to the monitor and then all the blinking buttons, she took a second to bend over the board and flip the button for “Rain in Ohio” off and flick the “Unusually Pleasant and Sunny Fall-like Spring Day in Ohio” button on.
 
Then she glanced at Ohio on the screen and watched everyone who lived there smile at the same time.
 
The Goddess kissed her man gently on his head then turned and walked out of the room, closing the starry door behind her.
 
On her way back down the stairs, their two yappy Chihuahuas Starsky and Hutch came barreling towards her.
 
“Well, finally! Where have you guys been? Hey! Hey…shh, guys…shh shh shh! Daddy’s sleeping. Let’s go get a snack. Who wants to go get some treats?”
 
And the three of them took off together, skipping on down to the heavenly kitchen for a divine lunch of hummus salad sandwich, pink lemonade and a handful of mini Milk Bones.
disciples · fireworks · God · Goddess · Jesus · thunderstorm · writing

Light Up the Sky Saturday Night

God steered the big old noisy beat up Ford pickup truck in a half circle and then backed it up in the clearing near where the fire pit and tents were set up.

Suddenly, 13 young boys wearing nothing but cut off jean shorts came running out of the woods like a pack of wild baboons.

“Dad!” yelled the one in front who was clearly the ringleader of the bunch. “Guys! He’s here, come on!!”

God smiled. Them young ones were a rowdy bunch, but his son and his best buddies were the forbidden apples of the old man’s eye.

They all congregated around the man climbing out of his truck.

“Did ya get ’em?!” his son asked.

God rumpled the kid’s long stringy hair.

All the other boys looked up at him eagerly, their faces filthy from playing in the forest.

“Of course I got ’em. I’m God, aren’t I?”

All the boys jumped up and down and cheered.

The crew walked to the back of the truck and God opened the tailgate.

Inside the truck was a mother lode of pyrotechnics that he had just purchased at the store next to the Kwik-Pak where he got his weekly case of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

“Wooooaaaahhhh,” all the boys said as the Creator of the Universe crawled up into the truck. He pulled his long grey hair into a ponytail then wrapped a threadbare bandana around his head. Then he began to unload the booty.

The boys crowded around buzzing with excitement. They watched the man set up all the explosives carefully. At one point, he looked up and smiled and said:

“This is gonna give them people on Earth quite the thunderboomer.”

“Yeh!!” the boys all agreed.

“Thanks, dad,” the ringleader boy said.

“Well, now…you’re welcome, Jesus,” the old man replied trying not to get misty. Then he advised all the younguns to get on out of the way.

And for the next several hours God set off all the fireworks much to his and the boys’ delight and to the dismay of thousands of children and dogs living in the Ohio Valley region.

When the big sound and light show slowed to an end, God passed out crackling Sparklers to the pack of wild hyena boys who ran like streaks of lightning through the field.

God opened a cold one and sat on the edge of the bed of his truck and watched with a gleam in his eye.

Suddenly the Goddess was by his side with a big picnic basket full of fixins to make S’mores. She put it down when God handed her a beer.

They watched the boys running and screaming with more energy than 10 super cell thunderstorms.

“Those boys are gonna crash and burn so damn hard,” she said.

Then she and God laughed before sucking down the rest of their brews on that Heavenly stormy night.