God sat at his desk with his “Mondays Suck” mug full of Sanka. His heart palpitations had started to freak him out lately and he decided to try to go caffeine-free for a week to see if that helped his ticker calm down. Otherwise, he knew he’d have to make an appointment with his cardiologist and he dreaded the thought. That guy was a pretentious pain in the ass, constantly bragging about his luxurious vacations and adrenaline junkie shenanigans.
As if God had never experienced any of those things since the creation went down.
God’s chest began to hurt a little from the stress of thinking about it. He rubbed a spot on his chest, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and focused.
He had a big event to pull off today. It was time to get to work.
Just then, the door to his space office opened and he turned to see his gorgeous wife the Goddess coming into the room holding a tray.
“Hi babe,” she said, sliding the tray in front of him and then slipping herself into his lap.
God looked at the big bowls of Grape Nuts and fresh fruit she brought him. Next to the food sat his Lipitor, Prilosec and a multivitamin.
He gave his girl a kiss.
“You taste like Sanka,” she said as he rolled his eyes and she stood up.
He took a really good look at her then. She had on yoga pants and a tattered Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon t-shirt.
“You are the cutest thing, I swear to…me,” he said.
The Goddess laughed a little and picked up the bowl of fruit and started eating. She had heard that joke about a million times, but it was still kinda funny.
“So, are we going to screw with the humans today?” she asked looking out the giant space window at planet Earth.
“Nah,” God replied. “I don’t really like to mess with them too much anymore. They’re so goofy down there now, they don’t need any more problems. Know what I mean?”
“So you’re just going to press the solar eclipse button and leave it at that?”
God nodded taking a sip of his beverage.
The Goddess stood quietly next to him, her wheels turning.
“Hey,” she said, bending over the keyboard in front of him. Her long wavy brown hair spilled over her shoulders onto his desk. She tucked a wisp behind her ear.
God admired her big time. He might have smelled like Sanka, but she smelled like summertime. And patchouli.
“Let’s stencil a big message out of the moon for the sun to spill through during the eclipse for the humans,” the Goddess suggested.
She started typing away.
“Do you want them all to have heart attacks?” God asked, picking up his Lipitor and slugging it down with a spot of decaf.
She leaned back to show him the message she came up with.
In capital letters she typed out
God laughed out loud.
“You are bad,” he said. “I like the little witch flying on the broom at the bottom.”
His wife smiled bigly.
“Can we do it?” she asked.
God thought about it for a second and said,
“Yeah. What the hell. Let’s have some fun. They’re going to poop their pants down there.”
The two laughed out loud as God entered code to carve out messages through the moon.
“All right,” she said as she gave him one more kiss. “Finish up here and come down to the meditation garden. Buddha and some of the others are coming over for an eclipse meditation. I think it’ll do you some good.”
“Hey, were you able to get everyone those special glasses?”
The Goddess stood in the doorway and smiled.
“Duh,” she said. “NASA sent us a boxful last week.”
“Cool beans,” God said as she bounced away. He picked up his bowl of Grape Nuts as he hit the enter button for the special message and the moon started chipping away at itself.
God admired all the heavenly bodies quietly dangling out in outer space. A sense of calm and wonder overwhelmed him.
“It’s going to be a good day,” he thought to himself as he took a big bite of cereal. He sorta missed and a bunch of milk and Grape Nuts spilled all down his shirt.
“Yep, a good day,” he sighed, rubbing at the spill located over that certain spot on his chest.
This time, the pain was gone.